So I have had a few days to digest what is currently happening to my baby girl and I can honestly say that I as much as I wish to God/Allah/Buddha/Jah that I felt better, I don't. This past week I have had several conversations with friends and family who have been beyond supportive that I almost feel like a jerk for even complaining but I am in fact a human being. I have always been a person who has had a strong faith in the powers that be and believe me, now is not the time to question it.....I guess I am just numb to the fact that at this point there is absolutely nothing I can do except wait....
Last night, Daryl, Elliah, Jayden and I set out for a family walk around the neighborhood with our dog Bruce LeRoy and as we left the gate I forgot that I had not checked the mail that day. I received two things...one was a phone bill and the other was a letter that explained Liah's ultrasound (which was a bunch of doctor jargon that I did my best to decipher) and that she was was going to need surgery to remove the cyst that is attached to her thyroid bone. As I was reading the letter I once again felt a pain in my heart that stung so bad that it made me dizzy.
As we continued to walk down the street it felt as if EVERY dog in the neighborhood was going crazy. Here we were trying to take our dog out for a walk on what started out to be a lovely evening but the neighborhood dogs were going beserk, and it was hard to control Bruce so we turned around and went home, perhaps it was the full moon or the alignments of the planets, needless to say, I instantly felt defeated; not just from the walk but from the reality that no matter what I try to do in my life, I can only protect Elliah from so much and the rest is up to the universe. Once we got home, Daryl and I read and re-read the letter several times before we both just looked at one another wishing one of us had answers. I could sense the weight he was carrying and when he said he was tired and ready for bed at 9:00 PM, I did not question him.
Earlier today I was in contact with one of my dear friends and she had mentioned that it was okay to be angry and that people who say things like,"what does not kill us will only make us stronger" or "God doesn't give us what we cannot handle" are not instant remedies to make us feel better, and in fact, those words are infuriating!!!! If I had a bullhorn right now, I would probably run down the street screaming out of anger, why you may ask....just because!!!!!!
Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for several reasons. #1, the 2nd doctor we saw ruled out the "C" word, thank God almighty for that. #2, Elliah is still so young and unaffected by this, I am continually praying that this will be a very faint memory. Each morning she has woken up and said, "Mommy, my Adam's apple is getting better" which is another painful sting to the heart but I usually just kiss and hug her and reassure that it is. (Which is not true, I just have to continue playing the Mommy game of "everything's gonna be alright") #3, we have wonderful health insurance. Daryl has sacrificed having extra money on his paycheck every month by having PPO insurance simply because of the fact that we have two beautiful children and you never know what curve balls will be thrown at you and literally I feel as if we "have a golden ticket"(Elliah's favorite movie right now is the original Willy Wonka, which we all watch at least 12 times a week). #4, the love and support we have received from our family and friends, without them, I would be a frickin' mess, so I thank all of you for reminding me that I do need to stay focused and positive for Elliah's sake. #5, that Daryl and I have a solid foundation. We have definitely had our struggles over the past 8 years but we know when we need to unify and form Team Voltron when necessary.
As mentioned before, September 9th is the day we are waiting for. Elliah will more than likely have a Sistrunk procedure done which will hopefully remove the cyst and not affect her thyroid glands. I will have to post more on that later...tonight I just needed to vent before I go to bed and dream of butterflies, rainbows, cotton candy, unicorns and waterfalls which is what Liah told me she dreams of every single night. I love you Elliah Aide' and all I dream of is for you to have a life of good health and happiness....
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